wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
