1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
where does the pee come out of this thing
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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