bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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