all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You ruined the universe
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
