my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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