I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
