i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
