Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
