I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
