There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
