Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
