I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
