I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
