She's JV to your varsity
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize