Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
