I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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