Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
