Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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