I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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