we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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