On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
