You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
