he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
