she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize