the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
