I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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