My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
