you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
