in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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