Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
