Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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