you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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