I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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