I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
