She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
there's paper in my vomit.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
