I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
