I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you win again, gameday.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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