so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
