Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
