Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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