I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
