I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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