i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
