some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
