he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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