If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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