he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
