I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
They have beer where we have blood.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
