Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
