Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
