There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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