my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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