The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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