guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize