I cannot find my penis.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize