My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
