Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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